Who killed JFK, Oprah’s daily weight fluctuation, what happens after death, the great pyramids of Giza, why sheep don’t shrink in the rain if wool sweaters do in the wash, Tori Spelling’s breasts, the Loch Ness Monster… and “30 Minuet Meals” – these are life’s greatest mysteries.
If anyone is capable of explaining the following to me, I, and the rest of man kind, will be forever indebted to you:
1. Why does Rachael Ray insist on only wearing VERY tight long-sleeved shirts, awkwardly tucked into high-waisted jeans?
2. How could her set have possibly gotten even oranger and more hideous in the past few months?
3. Similarly, who was capable of creating such a design? (Ray Charles?)
4. Why does RR’s hair goes from extra dirty blonde to black?
5. Why does RR say “EVOO, extra virgin olive oil” instead of just EVOO or extra virgin olive oil?
6. Why does RR’s faucet has the smallest stream of water known to man kind?
7. How is RR capable of mentioning “Godfellas” and their damn garlic slicing in every episode?
8. Why did RR go from serving dinner on the right to the left side of the table, (what’s next, Rach? Are you gonna put the “G.B” on the BACK counter????)
9. Why does RR constantly giggles to herself?… it makes me feel funny inside
10. Why does RR insist on talking to her honey jar and screaming that she is going to “SQUEEZE MR. HONEY BEAR’S BELLY!!!!” ?
11. How can anyone have so many flipping movie theme nights?
12. The camera angles through the sliding pantry – huhhhhh????
13. Why does RR insist on bringing crappy food to her neighbors to “thank” them for checking her mail?
14. Why does RR call her hubby her “sweetie”? (It weirds me out big time)
15. What would possess someone to say “choup” and “stoop”?
If anyone is capable of explaining the following to me, I, and the rest of man kind, will be forever indebted to you:
1. Why does Rachael Ray insist on only wearing VERY tight long-sleeved shirts, awkwardly tucked into high-waisted jeans?
2. How could her set have possibly gotten even oranger and more hideous in the past few months?
3. Similarly, who was capable of creating such a design? (Ray Charles?)
4. Why does RR’s hair goes from extra dirty blonde to black?
5. Why does RR say “EVOO, extra virgin olive oil” instead of just EVOO or extra virgin olive oil?
6. Why does RR’s faucet has the smallest stream of water known to man kind?
7. How is RR capable of mentioning “Godfellas” and their damn garlic slicing in every episode?
8. Why did RR go from serving dinner on the right to the left side of the table, (what’s next, Rach? Are you gonna put the “G.B” on the BACK counter????)
9. Why does RR constantly giggles to herself?… it makes me feel funny inside
10. Why does RR insist on talking to her honey jar and screaming that she is going to “SQUEEZE MR. HONEY BEAR’S BELLY!!!!” ?
11. How can anyone have so many flipping movie theme nights?
12. The camera angles through the sliding pantry – huhhhhh????
13. Why does RR insist on bringing crappy food to her neighbors to “thank” them for checking her mail?
14. Why does RR call her hubby her “sweetie”? (It weirds me out big time)
15. What would possess someone to say “choup” and “stoop”?
16. Why does she always say that she is notorious for burning the stuff in the broiler, when she never, ever does?
17. Why would anyone want to invite their friends over for macaroni and cheese with cut up hot dogs? (no Rach, you can NOT serve this at a dinner party)
And finally,
18. Why does RR always say “it will make them say, ‘hmmmm what is thatttttt???’” when everyone already knows its NUTMEG ?????
I am offering a particularly large reward to anyone who can explain #13 – maybe her neighbors would like to clarify exactly what part of eating “Chili Dog Nachos Mac & Cheese” it is that they enjoy. Does she pay for your Nexium prescription? Why do you keep offering to check her mail and water her plants if this is your “reward”???? I am SO, SO sorry. I know a great realtor if you want to move…
17. Why would anyone want to invite their friends over for macaroni and cheese with cut up hot dogs? (no Rach, you can NOT serve this at a dinner party)
And finally,
18. Why does RR always say “it will make them say, ‘hmmmm what is thatttttt???’” when everyone already knows its NUTMEG ?????
I am offering a particularly large reward to anyone who can explain #13 – maybe her neighbors would like to clarify exactly what part of eating “Chili Dog Nachos Mac & Cheese” it is that they enjoy. Does she pay for your Nexium prescription? Why do you keep offering to check her mail and water her plants if this is your “reward”???? I am SO, SO sorry. I know a great realtor if you want to move…
*Above photo is of Rachypoo and her wax twin - double the fun!
3 comments:
There are many mysteries in the world........
It is so ironic that you posted this now because just yesterday I was at a store that had a television mounted on the wall and they were showing a RR show and the woman behind the counter kept complaining to the customers that the tone of RR's voice was SO high that she could no longer bear to listen to her. . . maybe it's not good manners to say these things, but not having an opinion is so VANILLA.
Martha from Bridgehampton
OK- I've been reading your blog and I've been thinking. I have come to the conclusion that maybe one of the reasons we are all a little 'chubbie' (I'm being kind)is because we don't RESPECT food. Think about it - as americans, and especially New Yorkers we eat everywhere- while walking on the street, at our desk, at a counter, and we snack all day long - even deluding ourselves into thinking this is healthy to eat "more" "smaller" meals. Well the problem is we have large appetites because we are also used to eatting more food so what we think is small is really normal. What if we were to RESPECT food? Actually make a rule that we will no longer eat while walking on the street, that we will eat three meals and not snack and that we have to sit down at a table every time we eat and think about the fact that it is "meal time", not time to check the email or talk on the phone or watch TV. Other than us, who do you see with so much night time junk food in their cabinets? No one. And why do we eat so much junk and why are we always hungry, even after having dinner? Because more often than not we haven't had two meals before dinner and out of habit we find it normal to snack while we do something else. I propose a new rule. As Ollie G would say (ok, ok, I probably can't even spell his name) RESPECT.
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