I believe the major injustice in my life has been growing up in a neighborhood with very few chain restaurants – zero to be exact. Mine eyes had not seen the glory of a drive through window, an onion blossom, or a never ending pasta bowl until I went away to college. Since the big move, I have had the pleasure of testing the creations of every chain restaurant. As long as I could squeeze my fat ass through the doorway, a pleasurable experience was bound to follow.
(Hey, I'm not alone! Actual food experts at Grub Street agree with me that "Chain Restaurants Are Where it's At!")
In the past five years I have gained not only a few extra pounds, but also the knowledge of a true chain restaurant coinsurer. Some favorites include Houston’s, TGI Fridays, Cheesecake Factory, Panera, and the 8th Wonder of the World – CHIPOTLE.
Yes, I once drove and hour and a half to go to TGI Fridays for potato skins. Yes, I originally thought Panera was a mom and pop restaurant with only one location, (my first bread-bowl miracle occurred in Columbus, Ohio and when I met someone who was also from Columbus I asked if they had ever been to “this really cute little sandwich place…”). Yes I started crying on a Tuesday night at Houston’s when the waitress told me chili was only served on Wednesdays. I admit, I once cut a little kid in line to get the last counter seat at Waffle House. And fine, twist my arm, I lied and pretended to be from Alabama while digesting on a rocking chair and talking to an old lady outside of a Cracker Barrel (I wanted to fit in, so sue me). My addiction has lead me to commit many sins but none as bad as what I did yesterday…
Is it so wrong to take a cab three blocks to Chipotle? Is it so horrible to have the cab wait outside while one gets a burrito and then drive the three blocks back? Is it offensive to shove the glorious burrito down my throat while sitting in my underwear on the couch, salsa verde dripping down my forearms? Is it unethical to tell my friends that the black bean stains on my couch are from a horrific making-brownies-for-orphans-and-the-pan-flew-across-my-kitchen-into-the-livingroom accident? I ask you this, my friend, is that a crime?
Shame on them, not me! I was not the one to create the irresistible combination of succulent chicken, moist black beans, spicy salsa, cooling sour cream, ooey-gooey melty cheese, and creamy guacamole all wrapped up in a warm tortia. I was not the one to supply this drug to the masses! I employ you - blame the dealer, not the addict! I simply can not be responsible for my actions when faced with a burrito lovingly made to my specifications by a blessed Chipotle employee, so if you see me coming, look out.
*There are nine, yes NINE Chipotles within a mile of my apartment… DAMN YOU CHIPOTLE!!!!!
(Hey, I'm not alone! Actual food experts at Grub Street agree with me that "Chain Restaurants Are Where it's At!")
In the past five years I have gained not only a few extra pounds, but also the knowledge of a true chain restaurant coinsurer. Some favorites include Houston’s, TGI Fridays, Cheesecake Factory, Panera, and the 8th Wonder of the World – CHIPOTLE.
Yes, I once drove and hour and a half to go to TGI Fridays for potato skins. Yes, I originally thought Panera was a mom and pop restaurant with only one location, (my first bread-bowl miracle occurred in Columbus, Ohio and when I met someone who was also from Columbus I asked if they had ever been to “this really cute little sandwich place…”). Yes I started crying on a Tuesday night at Houston’s when the waitress told me chili was only served on Wednesdays. I admit, I once cut a little kid in line to get the last counter seat at Waffle House. And fine, twist my arm, I lied and pretended to be from Alabama while digesting on a rocking chair and talking to an old lady outside of a Cracker Barrel (I wanted to fit in, so sue me). My addiction has lead me to commit many sins but none as bad as what I did yesterday…
Is it so wrong to take a cab three blocks to Chipotle? Is it so horrible to have the cab wait outside while one gets a burrito and then drive the three blocks back? Is it offensive to shove the glorious burrito down my throat while sitting in my underwear on the couch, salsa verde dripping down my forearms? Is it unethical to tell my friends that the black bean stains on my couch are from a horrific making-brownies-for-orphans-and-the-pan-flew-across-my-kitchen-into-the-livingroom accident? I ask you this, my friend, is that a crime?
Shame on them, not me! I was not the one to create the irresistible combination of succulent chicken, moist black beans, spicy salsa, cooling sour cream, ooey-gooey melty cheese, and creamy guacamole all wrapped up in a warm tortia. I was not the one to supply this drug to the masses! I employ you - blame the dealer, not the addict! I simply can not be responsible for my actions when faced with a burrito lovingly made to my specifications by a blessed Chipotle employee, so if you see me coming, look out.
*There are nine, yes NINE Chipotles within a mile of my apartment… DAMN YOU CHIPOTLE!!!!!
2 comments:
Has FIVE GUYS hit Manhattan yet? Having become famous in Washington, D.C., it has made it to Jersey - and oh, what a delicious experience ... in the "evil" way! Accolades about the burgers have been published at length where ever they open. But one aspect in particular sums up this fun and down 'n dirty experience: Fries come in small or large. The small is a coffee-sized styrofoam cup, the large about three times as big. But they tell you a large serves three adults. It seemed impossibly small. So I ordered two large for the family. Turns out, they fill the large, put it in a large-er paper bag - and then take two more whole scoops of the fries shovel and just throw them in the paper bag! As the grease is instantly saturating the bag, you hear, "Would you like a plastic bag over that?" "Uh, YAH!"
Ya gotta get there!
I hate Chipotle but I love the line, "mine eyes had not seen the glory." You seem like a good writer and I love your enthusiasm. Also, it was hilarious picturing you or anyone on their sofa eating like that. Thats the mark of a good writer if you feel like you are there and I did. So there. Keep it coming.
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