Drop the Zero and Get with the Hero, Baby!

I find diet coke to be soul stirring. There is absolutely nothing like the sound of cans popping in the morning. I imagine that the “phissstttt” of the bubbles is the same sound angles make while singing hymns to the Big Man Himself. Call me a Diet-Coke-Head and I’ll wear the title with pride.

I do not find it odd to order a double bacon burger smothered in cheese with a side of lard and a diet coke to drink. I would never look twice at a grocery cart filled with boxes of diet coke and one lonely bag of frozen chicken poppers and an extra large jar of mayonnaise. I do however find it very odd that anyone would abandon this ol’ faithful friend for “Coke Zero.” This is very, very upsetting to me but like my mother always taught me, the best way to deal with a problem is by being mature and facing it head on, so that is what I will do:

Dear Coke Zero,
Who exactly do you think you are? It is sickening to me that you would walk into my vending machine and try to shove out my beloved DC who has been a member of our community for years. DC has stood by me through thick and thin – literally – and now you want to stroll right into my grocery store and try to take over? Do you think I can be wooed by your promise of providing me with nutrients and vitamins? Well, I will not be swayed. You should be ashamed of yourself. Your name is so fitting, Mr. ZERO, because that is what you are – a BIG, FAT, ZERO. Kindly remove yourself from my presence at once.

Thank you,
Lauren-Torie Niosi