I am alive... barely.

Last night in class the single most terrifying moment in my life occurred… A sauté pan tried to kill me. I was cooking bacon (not for myself, we all know I would never eat a little innocent Wilbur… not), and I took the bacon out of the pan, and was pouring the excess fat (gross I know) into our "fat bucket" (even grosser).

Then, out of nowhere, there was this pop that sounded like a gun shot. It was so loud everyone screamed and my ears were ringing. What was it, you ask? A bullet would have been nothing compared to what it actually was... one of the rivets that was holding my busted, old pan handle to the base SHOT out of the pan from the heat.

Basically what I am trying to say is that a deep-fried-covered-in-hot-and-spitting-oil,-shaped-like-a-bullet-with-a-spike-attached-to-the-back-rivet, SHOT out at me. It hit the tile on the wall and CHIPPED the tiles. I could have DIEDDDDDDDD.

The best part was the chef's reaction. He sighs and says calmly, “Oh happens all the time."

Did I mention this was right after oil spit out of another pan and hit me right about my eye? My EYE.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you all know that I’m really in the trenches out there and that if anything happens to me it has been nice knowing you and I’ve had an awesome life. Eat some Chipotle for me.

Now for Something Entirely Different....

Check this out. Blogging is contagious!

Go daddy, go!

The End of Storing Up?! Bite Your Tongue!!!

I’m horrible, I know. I’m so sorry for not having written in ages! But I warned you, I have a lot on my plate, and recently I have been feeling like I’m in the middle of a never-ending buffet and my plate just keeps getting heavier and heavier. I know that I won’t be able to eat it all, but I just can’t help stacking pancakes on top of mashed potatoes on top of tiramisu. Deep down I know it will end in a stomach ache, but I keep asking myself “What’s one more thing gonna do???”

To catch you up, here is a brief recap of everything that has happened in the past month:

-I cry in class when asked to kill a lobster.
-I am heckled by my teacher and eventually kill the lobster.
-I sort through duck organs as my punishment for being a baby.
-I am suddenly desensitized to the entire butchering process.
-I breakdown (aka cut up) a rabbit without saying a word.
-I accept that my afterlife will consist of being pinched by lobster claws and nibbled by bunnies.
-I get an A as my mid-semester grade, which is surprising considering that I labeled one of the herbs on a quiz “cannibus” (hey, it was just a joke man..)
-I make a flippin awesome hollandaise while singing an altered version of Madonna’s “Holiday” that went like this, “if we took a hollandaise, oh yeah, come on, put it atop a poached egg, oh yeah, come on, it would beeee, it would be so yummmmm-yyyy” but no one laughs.
-I realize delirium has officially set in.
-I eat at Esca and talk to, (ok, the truth is I just listened and didn’t say anything because I got all nervous and sweaty), Dave Pasternack about how he smuggled whale into America from China in his shoe and ate yams on a stick, “YOU GOTTA TRY IT, MAN.”
-I see that delirium comes with the territory and feel much better.
-I get settled into my new job at the network and spend my days worrying that I’ll somehow mess up and Alton will be disappointed in me.
-I see the new cast of FN Star and get really excited for inexplicable reasons.
-I make mac n’ cheese from béchamel sauce and realize that real mac n’ cheese isn’t supposed to be orange.
-I recognize that Kraft will never taste the same again and I have a moment of silence.
-I eat at Olive’s and bump Todd English up from gentleman caller to suitor, but wonder why the menu describes pizza a “flatbread”… it is very confusing.
-I eat at BLT Prime and wonder why Laurent keeps naming restaurants after me, (maybe because everyone wants to be LT? Get it?)

Well, I think that brings you up to speed!!

***The above photo is not actually of me, thank goodness. But I’m sure that hand will be pinched for all eternity too.